x_empath | The Pool Party

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It went surprisingly well, I thought.

Any chance I get to dust off my DJ gear and spin some tracks is usually a welcome one. And you all didn't strictly hate it, which was a pleasant surprise.

And basking in the sun - ahh, that was almost pure pleasure. And I don't really care if some of you didn't like my choice of attire - I could never wear those over-baggy trashbags you people call swimwear. Speedos are far more practical - and when you've got a body like mine, they _look good_.

I think I overindulged in the barbeque. I can't recall having ever tasted it before, it's quite good. My compliments to the chef.

Current Mood: pleased

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

xp_daytripper

Manny, something you might have missed with the whole never talking about it and never showing it? I don't fucking want people to know about it. And if I do, I tell them. Me. The person who...

Jesus fucking Christ. I'm never showing my face again. How _could_ you?

From:

x-empath.livejournal.com

oops?

I was thoughtless, and did not think in my haste to correct what I perceived was an injustice.

I am ashamed.

Manuel

From:

xp_daytripper

Oops? Is that all you have to say? Fuck, Manny, I know we've been wandering around in each other's heads lately, but that doesn't give you permission to give away my secrets. Especially _that_ one.

I know you meant well, but this is a hell of a lot to forgive. Think of some of the stuff I know about you, and how you'd feel if I blurted out in public,. Not that I would, but imagine what it would feel like. Then you'll understand just what the fuck that is you're getting from the link.

From:

x-empath.livejournal.com

Which is why, as you can probably tell, I feel so terrible about what I have done.

I cannot undo what I have done, and I feel miserable about it. Is there any way I can make amends?

Manuel

From:

xp_daytripper

Just give me some time, all right? I'm not saying we'll laugh about this later, but maybe once I calm down and think about this, I'll be able to get some perspective.

Just not right now. Right now I just want to curl in a ball and hide.

From:

x-empath.livejournal.com

as much time as you want or need.

I was wrong.

Manuel

From:

x-tarot.livejournal.com

Amanda?

If it counts for -anything-, I am sorry. I did not mean to imply anything or cause this particular conversation.

The scars -do not matter-. I know they do to you, and I know it is important. I am not trying to dismiss that.

But scars or not, you are still my friend. They are no more a reason or not a reason to like you than Clarice being purple, or Angelo being grey, or Doug wearing glasses, or Artie's tongue, or any of it.

Please do not go hiding?

From:

x-empath.livejournal.com

it is my fault, and you can blame me for it.

This one, I will have earned. I think that I will withdraw for the rest of the day, to comtemplate my error.

I know exactly how she feels.

Manuel

From:

xp_daytripper

If it was part of my mutation, like Clarice being purple, or Angelo's skin, Artie's tongue, then I wouldn't give a shit. But it ain't, it was done to me by a fucked up bastard. It's the magical equivalent of something putting a bloody collar and tag on me that says "Property of Rack", and I've got to live with knowing that for the rest of my life, because there's no way to get rid of it now he's dead, and there's no magic or medicine that can heal it - believe me, it's been tried.

From:

x-tarot.livejournal.com

It still was not something you chose to do to yourself, so it is not your fault and anyone who judges you on it is a giant ass.

From:

xp_daytripper

Did you know that this place is the first time I've felt safe enough to talk to some people about it? It's a trust thing, a big one.

Just after it was done, I had doctors and shrinks using me as a fucking prime example of child abuse. I got prodded and poked and photographed until I felt like even more of a freak than the magic or being a mutant ever could make me feel. I had foster parents who couldn't look at me, who covered me up from ankles to wrists, even in the middle of summer. I've had blokes tell me I'm lucky they can manage to get it up I'm so ugly, and the Christian wankers I was last placed with told me I was marked by the fucking Beast.

And yeah, I probably need to deal with all this, and I will, but righ tnow I'm going to go throw up a lot.

From:

x-tarot.livejournal.com

If you want some ginger ale or toast, let me know.

It usually helps me when I've thrown up, or feel like I want to..

If you want anything else, even just some company, do not hesitate to find me.

From:

x-cypher.livejournal.com

Check your email?

From:

x-blink.livejournal.com

if you want to come over to my house you're welcome to. no one is home atm. you don't have to talk or whatever about this, but maybe just get away for a little while?

just call me :)