So break me down if it makes you feel right

the Ten Things Learned thing, but when I sat down to think about it, all I did was depress myself. Considering most of them started with "I should not...".

So I think I'll pass.

EDIT: I have learned some positive things. Right now, though, it is more work than it is worth to bring them to my mind. I think the aftermath of what's been going on around here lately is getting to me.

She's in such bad shape, mentally. I really feel bad for her.

Everyone, if you could, feel pleasant and friendly feelings at her when she comes out. I speak from experience - the Box is hell on people like us. To be cut off from your own feelings, to feel the cold oppression of those steel walls - it still occasionally gives me nightmares.

So, please - if not for me, then for her. Be gentle with her. Understand her moods. how she feels. She can't help what she's doing - not yet. We're working on it. I learned, so can she. And she is far more well-liked than I ever was, so she should have an easier time of it.

Well, I've been back in the States for a few days, but Kitty was nice enough to unlock my laptop for me, and Professor Xavier did some things to my journal so that I can read it now, but not the past entries.

I'm not ready for those yet, he tells me, and I have to concur for now. Too many possible landmines, and I'm still working on reintegrating the Old Me and the New Me.

From what I understand, the Old Me wasn't a very nice guy. So I'll just offer up a blanket apology for any past crimes, real or imagined. I probably don't remember most of them, and those that I do I've talked to the relevant folks about.

So I'm going to stop hermiting and force myself to be more social. Playing Dance Dance Revolution was a good first step. I will beat you, Kitty! It's not my fault I get all distracted while you're playing, and then it gets uncomfy for me to take my turn when you're done. But I can still take you all the way to the ending songs, which are, I must confess, somewhat tricky.

I miss Amanda. Jamie, you're a lucky man.

So who wants to get together and do something sometime? I'm still discovering what I like and what I don't, so here's your chance. Show me what cool stuff you folks do. Maybe I'll like it, maybe I won't.

But I want to try.

Kyle? If your Blueness can go into the pool without weird things happening to the water or to you, want to do more cannonballs? Those were fun.

Angie - want to go out for coffee sometime? Or tea?

Is the new Rammstein album.

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0002XDODU.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

Mmm. Amerika.

Since it looks like I'm going to lose my solo room status ...

(dammit)

Shinobi? Up for putting us Lords Cardinal in the same suite?

Manuel

I've had a lot of time to think about things - what I've done, and how I've done it.

Time to make some changes in my life. And while I can't undo what damage I've already done (not even _my_ power will allow me to do _that_) I can make sure that no additional damage is done, and that I avoid turning into the monster in the chair.

*blinks*

That was fairly obscure, I know, but the people who need to know what that is all about already do.

I'm going to the spa with Alison later, assuming that she has no objections. After that, I should really reach out, try to connect with more people. I've been spending too much time enslaved toinvolved with Amanda, and I've been neglecting the wide range of possibilities out there.

In the spirit of honesty, I should say that I can use my power fully, even with the dampener right now. I have an appointment tomorrow with Charles and Dr Samson and Dr MacTaggert about the full extent of the changes and control I now have over my power. At least, I think I do. If I don't, then I'll make one as soon as I possibly can. I should not presume on other peoples' schedules. Last night was somewhat hectic, and I was in an interesting emotional place.

So assuming that I haven't terrorized everyone by now - anyone up for just a little social interaction? I do play cards, if anyone's interested in a quick hand of poker or blackjack? I also promised a dinner a while back to some people - I've been lax about setting that up. Dinner for three, then?

Manuel

PS - I never thought the ability to say "No" would feel so very, very good.

going on today, I'm going to spend much of today in my room, practicing this wonderful new shielding technique Galin taught me, and listening to music.

I don't need to be adding to the bad feelings floating around today.

Would anyone like to give me grief again for trying to be considerate of people's feelings like some of you did yesterday when I was having my bad day?

Manuel

So I'm here in London.

Amanda's conked out on the bed - guess she wasn't energetic enough to keep up for long.

The city is cold, rainy, wet, drab, and miserable. And to someone like me, it's an absolute riot of color.

But I just can't seem to get comfortable. And no, it's not because Amanda stole my favorite dress shirt - blast it all. The townies here are rude and they absolutely hate foreigners. Tomorrow we're scheduled to go meet Amanda's ... mother, for lack of a better term. The woman who raised her.

I just want you all to know that in the event of my death or transformation into an amphibian I am leaving all of my worldly goods in Dame Frost's care.

Now, I believe that sleep calls to me. Either that or Amanda's snoring again. I haven't decided which yet.

Manuel

I won't be going to Boston to see my friend Shinobi. It has been made abundantly clear to me by several people that my presence is unwelcome, my feelings irrelevant, and that I just need to sit down and shut up. I believe that stabbings were also mentioned - that if I attended, I could expect to be stabbed.

Clarice mentioned something odd - she said that it is not required that everyone likes me, or that I like everyone.

If this is so, and I believe that it is, then why am I continually being punished for not liking the Mexican? I hate him! He tortures me with my own memories, gloats about it, and threatens my _life_, and I'm just expected to smile. He appoints himself Amanda's big brother, and I get to just be happy for him. He "saves her life", and my contributions are forgotten, ignored, dismissed. He gets to go to Boston to see Shinobi, and I have to stay here.

Is it because he's fucking Paige? Is it because he's an American, and I'm not? Is it because he's not a psi, and I am? Because he gets injured a lot? Because he's going to shoot all of you if he doesn't get his way? What?

I know that I can be difficult to deal with. I can see it in the emotions of others. I do not lie when it would make things easier for me, I do not lie to spare the feelings of others. I am open with how I feel, as best that I can be. I _can_ see how you all feel about me, even as I am now. I do not believe the same things in the same way as all of you do.

Aha. I think that I have the truth now. It is because I do not believe the same things you all do. Because I was raised wealthy, because I am different. Because I had the bad taste to be an empath.

Ahh, who am I kidding? None of you care anyway. I won't be bothering any of you anymore. And before you come barging into my room with the doctors and the needles and the drugs, I mean that I am not going to particpate in the social games you all love to play so much.

Enjoy your trip.

Manuel

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