I am beginning to feel like a pariah

[x_empath]

~translated from the Castillian~

I know that many of you do not like me. The smelly Brit practically drowns me in waves of suspicion and distrust every time I pass him in the halls. The groundskeeper is a festering ball of hate held back by a leash one thread thick. The blonde girl from the South feels I'm a disgusting pervert, and the one with the stripe in her hair is horrified and fascinated by me. The French girl can't decide if she wants me or if she just wants to lecture me. The Scot is swimming in guilt, and every day stabs a new hole into her heart.

I can accept this.

What I am currently having trouble with is that the people that I rely upon to maintain what precious stability that I have managed to eke out are now, as a favor to me, avoiding me.

I cannot help that I become what those around me feel. I have tried - oh how I have tried. Time and time again, I try to distinguish between me and not-me only to fail. I feel what they feel - and sometimes they feel what I feel. Where do I start and they end? Emma tells me that this is so because I do not have a clearly-defined sense of emotional self. I cannot define who I am and how I feel when how I feel depends on others.

The _only_ way I can keep even a shard of dignity and definition is to manipulate others. I cannot help it. If I do not, I fear I would go mad. I MUST zoom in on one person to block the rest of the world out. Sometimes, this works out very well. Amanda can speak to that. Others, it leads to disaster. Ask Doug about it sometime.

So I ask for patience, even though I probably do not deserve it. No - I know that I do not.

I will not suppress my power. Suppressing my power again will likely kill me. Even intermittently, for two years I had my power suppressed, and as Marie-Ange likes to remind me, I came out of it a half-dead corpse with a fondness for sicking up on people.

I can feel it all coming back. My range is increasing, my power strengthened by the drugs and the adversity. As my body strengthens, so does my mind.

I do not know if I can handle it.

~translated from the Castillian~

MdlR

Comments

[x-cypher.livejournal.com]

Manuel-

I suppose I haven't helped by avoiding you after the 'disaster' you mentioned. But there's something you should know. I don't blame you for what happened. It wasn't your fault. It's...it's like in electrical engineering. A positive feedback loop in an amplifier is not a viable design, because the positive feedback keeps looping on itself and becoming stronger and stronger, until it finally burns the circuit out. I just consider us both lucky that something broke the loop before we both burned out.

I guess the reason I've been avoiding you is that my emotional state has been kind of all over the map lately, and I didn't want to subject you to that.

-Doug

[x-foliate.livejournal.com]

The blonde girl from the South's name is Paige. Learn that and maybe I'll learn to spare some patience for you.

Re:

[x-empath.livejournal.com]

~translated from the Castillian~

I am honestly quite terrible with names. And I have never, to my admittedly spotty memory, actually talked to you for any length of time.

All I know is how you feel. I don't read thoughts.

~translated from the Castillian~

MdlR

[x-marrow.livejournal.com]

Be thankful I stay in the basement.

[x-rogue.livejournal.com]

Truth? It's not you that horrifies me, Manuel. It's /me/. I can't help being afraid of being used. That's one thing. I know what I am and that's the horror. Not you. And my name is Marie. It helps if you use people's names. I understand that you need to protect yourself, as unnerving as it is for me, even if no one else does.

The fact that I'm pissed off with you right now has nothing to do with your mutation, by the way, except insofar as I've put a portion of your lack of tact and decency down to having to cope wth what you do. I'm sure the rest of it is just you being a jerk, and well, nothing special about that.

Re:

[x-empath.livejournal.com]

~translated from the Castillian~

I like truth. I respect it.

And truth for truth - this is all very, very new to me. I don't think you understand that. You're an American, if I remember correctly. I am truly not used to being around regular people. I grew up among the elite, the powerful, and the depraved. I never even _met_ anyone who wasn't financially secure for life until I was fourteen.

None of those modes of interaction, as I am discovering, prepares me for just -talking- to regular people. And you're very much an ordinary person.

Does this help any, or should I just stay away?

~translated from the Castillian~

MdlR

Re:

[x-rogue.livejournal.com]

I'm American, yes. I'm probably one of very few people here who can say that they came from a really perfect life. I lost it all because of what I am, but I did have it once and it was good. A white picket fence and a porch swing and just enough money that we never really had to worry but never so much that we forgot to be grateful for what we had. Perfectly ordinary.

You're right, I can't understand, but I can make the attempt. And I am patient, or I try to be, at least on some levels. You shouldn't stay away. You need to learn how to be around people. But I would think that you would /want/ to stay away from me with what's in my head.

That was my point.

[x-empath.livejournal.com]

If I stay away, I die. If I stay near, I lose all.

MdlR

Re: That was my point.

[x-rogue.livejournal.com]

Is there no balance? There is always balance somewhere. What do you need to find it?

Re: That was my point.

[x-empath.livejournal.com]

I have no idea.

MdlR

[x-coldhands.livejournal.com]

You know, this made me wonder...is it harder to have had a normal life, and lost it all, or to have never known 'normal' at all?

And after some thought, I realized you can't really compare them. Each is a painful experience, something that no one else can truly understand, because none of us have gone through exactly the same thing. Some of us have had it easier than others, some of us have had our mutations manifest in more or less life-altering ways.

All we can do is realize that no one here has led the 'perfect' life. No one remains completely unaffected by their mutation. Sure, some of us have had it 'easier' than others, but that doesn't make one person better than another. On the other side, it doesn't make one person less capable of empathizing with the experiences of another, whether we can understand it or not.

Wow. I have no idea where I was going with this. Reading twenty essays in a row on the Civil War has seemingly turned my brain to mush. Shutting up now.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

I have not been entirely honest with you, and we should talk, if you can accept that I will be nervous.

[x-shinobi.livejournal.com]

Manuel,

If you've got about an hour and a half to two hours free, let's say.. Saturday, I've got something I should show you. I think I can just about guarantee it'll make you smile all on your own, without any unintentional meddling from anyone else.

Everybody needs to see The Princess Bride at least once in their lifetime. Fencing, pirates, damsels in distress, evil princes, six-fingered men from Spinal Tap, and a pair of Jewish trolls. What's not to like?

Re:

[x-courier.livejournal.com]

You have excellent taste, Shinobi. Room for one more, if Manuel does not mind?

Re:

[x-shinobi.livejournal.com]

If Manuel doesn't mind, sure.

If he does, we can always watch it again another time. It's not a movie one gets tired of watching.

[xp_daytripper]

We, mate, need to talk. I'll be there in five minutes.

And yes, you can do your thing very well.

[x-rahne.livejournal.com]

...Please don't tell me whatever Paige thinks that about.

'Twas my impression that your condition was because of other things than just the power suppression, but I ken there's a lot I've no idea about and I don't blame you for not wanting to try it again.

I hadn't thought I was that bad, though I have been agitated about some things. Self-defence for one.

'Tis very hard to know what to do, when on the one hand I don't want to... impose feelings on you, and on the other I know it can't be nice to be left quite alone. I suppose I've been going a bit too far one way.

[x-pete.livejournal.com]

Fuck all consolation, but it ain't just you that I'm suspicious of. And I'm not totally unsympathetic to your situation. Stop by some time, and we'll talk about it.

Re:

[x-empath.livejournal.com]

It must be Honesty Day. But do try to keep your fantasies about killing me slowly to yourself.

I will stop by.

MdlR

[x-blink.livejournal.com]

I'm shocked, it seems you actually made an attempt at being civil.

keep it up and I might not think you're a fucking bastard all the time.

...

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

You have said all of twenty-five words to Manuel, ever.

What right do you have to judge?

Re: ...

[x-blink.livejournal.com]

I don't like it when people threaten me and at the same time say they will rig any discussion we have to their advantage without caring about the other person. It wouldn' t be a conversation, it would be a ventriloquist with a puppet.

I am not going to willingly go speak to someone who will force me to be their puppet.

And he is arrogant, this was an attempt at saying 'he's becoming less arrogant'.

[x-colossus.livejournal.com]

Based on your last comment to me about being gay, I haven't approached you. I respect your wish, however I'm willing to help you focus more control of your power. I'm here if you need me.