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Some thoughts
May. 7th, 2004 12:40 pmI won't be going to Boston to see my friend Shinobi. It has been made abundantly clear to me by several people that my presence is unwelcome, my feelings irrelevant, and that I just need to sit down and shut up. I believe that stabbings were also mentioned - that if I attended, I could expect to be stabbed.
Clarice mentioned something odd - she said that it is not required that everyone likes me, or that I like everyone.
If this is so, and I believe that it is, then why am I continually being punished for not liking the Mexican? I hate him! He tortures me with my own memories, gloats about it, and threatens my _life_, and I'm just expected to smile. He appoints himself Amanda's big brother, and I get to just be happy for him. He "saves her life", and my contributions are forgotten, ignored, dismissed. He gets to go to Boston to see Shinobi, and I have to stay here.
Is it because he's fucking Paige? Is it because he's an American, and I'm not? Is it because he's not a psi, and I am? Because he gets injured a lot? Because he's going to shoot all of you if he doesn't get his way? What?
I know that I can be difficult to deal with. I can see it in the emotions of others. I do not lie when it would make things easier for me, I do not lie to spare the feelings of others. I am open with how I feel, as best that I can be. I _can_ see how you all feel about me, even as I am now. I do not believe the same things in the same way as all of you do.
Aha. I think that I have the truth now. It is because I do not believe the same things you all do. Because I was raised wealthy, because I am different. Because I had the bad taste to be an empath.
Ahh, who am I kidding? None of you care anyway. I won't be bothering any of you anymore. And before you come barging into my room with the doctors and the needles and the drugs, I mean that I am not going to particpate in the social games you all love to play so much.
Enjoy your trip.
Manuel
Clarice mentioned something odd - she said that it is not required that everyone likes me, or that I like everyone.
If this is so, and I believe that it is, then why am I continually being punished for not liking the Mexican? I hate him! He tortures me with my own memories, gloats about it, and threatens my _life_, and I'm just expected to smile. He appoints himself Amanda's big brother, and I get to just be happy for him. He "saves her life", and my contributions are forgotten, ignored, dismissed. He gets to go to Boston to see Shinobi, and I have to stay here.
Is it because he's fucking Paige? Is it because he's an American, and I'm not? Is it because he's not a psi, and I am? Because he gets injured a lot? Because he's going to shoot all of you if he doesn't get his way? What?
I know that I can be difficult to deal with. I can see it in the emotions of others. I do not lie when it would make things easier for me, I do not lie to spare the feelings of others. I am open with how I feel, as best that I can be. I _can_ see how you all feel about me, even as I am now. I do not believe the same things in the same way as all of you do.
Aha. I think that I have the truth now. It is because I do not believe the same things you all do. Because I was raised wealthy, because I am different. Because I had the bad taste to be an empath.
Ahh, who am I kidding? None of you care anyway. I won't be bothering any of you anymore. And before you come barging into my room with the doctors and the needles and the drugs, I mean that I am not going to particpate in the social games you all love to play so much.
Enjoy your trip.
Manuel
